Today, when just about everything in my life was going smoothly, something stuffed up. The person controlling the atmosphere pressed a button and a nuclear bomb took off. And it was my fault for texting; I should never have done that. I just get so stressed when there's fights because at my old school there was hardly any, and they were only small and silly. It's amazing to think that after all this while, i still haven't had one fight with my old school friends.
I'm not perfect either, and i think we all know that. But all good things come to an end, and before things get pretty they get ugly. Blah blah. I think in my last fights, God really helped me to pull through, and I hope He does know.
I'm not saying its all you, because it's not. You were ignoring me today, but I kind of understood that because I know about Tessa and Zanna, and I was hanging out with Zanna, but I figured that we could resolve this. I know honestly that it will sound bad but I am so hurt every time I see you and Tessa, not because I dislike Tessa but because I used to be that person.
I wasn't taking sides. I read all the Polyvore and listened to Michelle and I know she feels insanly guilty and sorry, and I do think that it was a bit weird for tessa to say they didn't have much to talk about. I try to talk to you guys, but no-one told me what was going on so I didn't have a clue!
I don't want to loose friends over this, and I'm not going into details or getting into sides, but i just want to say this:
The only true friends I've ever had in my lives, the ones who stood by me forever, i had to abandon because my dad decided to pull us out of that situation. I tried to find new friends, but maybe i just don't attract the right people, because every friendship failed. One of them went off and made new friends and texted about me behind my back and became little miss popular, the next completely ran away from me and abandoned me at the time i needed it most; school, because i was going to her school and she was excited, until she found out how much i had changed.
Friends don't stay forever, and its something that life doesn't teach you. You have to work hard, to keep friendships alive. Sometimes people just don't click, and that's ok. I went most of my high school life without friends, until someone came along.
Now, it seems stupid but isn't it easy to forgive and learn to walk past everything, to become friends again? It's not. It comes with pain and sadness, a sadness that no-one knows about, that cakes in your body and comes out in little gasps until it all bursts out. Pain like knowing your best friend made a new best friend and chooses boys over you, pain that you keep forgiving and forgetting to find another knife in your back, pain that they laugh and tease you and say its all a joke, but deep down it hurts?
I think I've moved past all that, because its happened to me too much. Right around me, all my friends are changing. Getting boyfriends, putting other things in front of them, and i so desperately want to be back at that old environment; the one where it was caring and loving and everyone knew everyone and there was no swearing or make-up.
I don't know exactly what I did wrong, I know that i stood by a friend but is that wrong, because you stood by Tessa as well, and I know Tessa's going through hard stuff but so are all of us, deep down. I'm sorry, for whatever I did, I'm sorry for being annoying and stupid and embarrassing, but most of all I'm sorry that you could let something as silly as this come between you. I don't mean to sound petty, but I never would have thought this would happen, and I am sorry because I did stuff up. And I'm not going to beg on my knees, because I did that before and it doesn't make a difference, I'm not in the wrong here, I'm just caught in the middle. I'm sorry for Tessa; she'll be in my prayers.
I just want to not be hurt anymore, for my friends to not hurt anymore, to be able to not have any drama. It's an impossible wish.